don't worry, I haven't moved cities or countries, just websites.
you can now find me here, posting random "oh life" kinds of things. do you know I've now been back from the world race for over a year?! wowza. :-)
my final piece of exciting news is that I'm returning to the Philippines this summer for a few weeks during my break from graduate school. remember this guy?? yeah, I'm going back to malaybalay to see him and the other kids, to love on them and to provide a break for the women who work there full time.
I am so excited about it, and if you'd like to receive a letter about it and haven't yet please click on the link to the left and email me your address!
here I am, randomly blogging again. I like blogging. and honestly have felt a tiny bit insecure about continuing to blog on this website since I've been off the world race for 8 months now (really?!? holy crap.) but whatever...
I sit here and it's a new year. and my life has changed so much from the year before... I remember for new years last year, my team was in some middle-of-nowhere place in malawi. we were in the midst of a team feedback meeting that night and I think it was even my turn to share (hah!) when all of a sudden it started absolutely downpouring. we were outside, next to our tents, so right when it hit we all just ran into our tents and stayed there for the rest of the evening. I don't think I had ever heard/felt thunder hit so close. it was pretty scary. also scary were the random drummers/singers who showed up in the middle of the night to celebrate the new year and didn't stop singing/drumming until probably 6am or so. anywho, this is not the point of this blog. only to say that a lot certainly changes in a year.
I've been thinking to myself quite a bit about what it means to rest, particularly in the midst of living a more busy life than I would like to. you see, with going to grad school full time, and working part time, and all of the outside of class homework and meetings and such, and maintaining relationships, and doing simple things like laundry and grocery shopping - this can become quite difficult and burdensome.
I feel sometimes that I have become one of 'those' people who is just "too busy." I'm too busy to have time to call people back on a normal time frame. I'm too busy to go to coffee with you. sometimes even too busy to respond to your email that asks me one simple question. I can maybe meet you for dinner, I think, if we schedule it way in advance. too busy too busy too busy... blabbity blah blah blah. I want to be a woman who is at rest. I think there is something beautiful about that.
I mean, don't you just hate when people say that to you? "I'm sorry, I'm just really busy right now..." ugh. it makes me want to vomit in my mouth. when I came back from the world race and spent some time in arizona, with no job, and nothing really to do, I hated that people were 'busy' and couldn't hang out with me as much as I wanted/needed. I mean, hello, I don't have a life, why do you have one? haha. that was a joke.
soooo yeah... grad school starts again on monday. tomorrow. well, I guess technically not until tuesday because our monday professor is out of town or something. I have one more day of freedom before the craziness will hit again in full force.
but how do I live differently? how do I do the things I need to do while still having space for myself and others? how do I not just dread going back to school because I know that this will happen? how do I rest in the midst of chaos? I need it so much.
I really don't want to be one of those people. forgive me if I have treated you as such. I'm in this weird trying-to-figure-out-a-balance phase of trying to find space for myself in all of this, and also being okay with disappointing people/not feeling guilty when I just can't do something. the reality of my life is that I do have a lot going on right now, and it is hard to find time for people and myself... somehow, I want to find more of the balance. I live with a lot of anxiety, and it's pretty painful and makes life even harder than it is. it's been so helpful to think of and talk about what finding home within myself actually means, and to pursue that probably for the first time.
what does it mean to simply breathe? find myself in the midst of all that's happening, and breathe.
I've thought about writing this blog for awhile now, but I haven't known what to say, and still don't really, but here goes.
A big reason I wrote my previous blog about waiting was because I knew that this was potentially going to happen. By "this" I am referring to the reality that I live in Seattle now. I am in graduate school. (Phew... those are still some heavy words for me to claim.) I still feel very much like a tourist here and it's incredibly surreal. Welcome to my new crazy life.
I don't think that Seattle could be more opposite from Arizona. I moved from 300 days of sunshine per year to 300 days of rain. From the Mexican border to the Canadian one. From the dry heat to the wet and cold. From a whole lotta Mexican food to a whole lotta seafood. From flat land to very hilly land.
I also don't think that going to grad school could be any more different from the World Race. I often think about the fact that a year ago I was galavanting around the world, and at this time we were getting ready to travel from Romania to Turkey, and I can't believe that was really my life. Now I am in school studying all the time and feeling so serious. What have I gotten myself into??
Well, let me tell you: the counseling psychology program at Mars Hill Graduate School (not affiliated with Mars Hill Church). I started nearly a month ago now, and what a whirlwind it has been. But really whirlwind doesn't even begin to describe it. I was accepted to the school on July 20th, then went to Georgia for 2 weeks to help at training camp for future WR squads, came back to Tucson at the beginning of August and moved 5 days after that. Here I am... Seattle. I. live. here. whaaaaat?!
The program is amazing so far, and also so incredibly challenging. I have met some absolutely astounding people I am already calling "friends." (Even this is quite the feat considering I've been on quite the emotional roller coaster since arriving here - trust me, this is no easy transition.) Anyways, if you have ever heard of Dan Allender, he founded the school and is one of my professors. So cool. :-) On the first day of his class we watched a clip from The Lion King - but that is another story.
Why am I here?? After awhile being back from the Race I found myself incredibly stuck. I didn't know what I wanted to pursue at all, or what to do with the year that I had just experienced overseas. I still don't really know the answer to the latter question, but I'm working through it. I realized, however, that I want to have impact and to pursue something that is greater than myself. When I thought about what has impacted my life the most, undoubtedly I owe my transformation to a few specific people (who should know who you are) who have walked alongside me in very real and tangible ways and believed in me when I was unable to do so myself.
Those relationships changed my life, and now it's my hope to learn how to do the same for others. MHGS is super intense, and stands by their philosophy that you can't take other people to places you haven't gone yourself. What this means is that I am going to therapy myself. One of my classes is called Practicum where 9 of us first years are in a room, share our stories, and practice what it means to be present and engaged with each other. Our beliefs about God, church, heaven and hell, our identities, the world, etc. are all being challenged in a really healthy way that provokes us to think and wrestle rather than merely accept what is told us.
It's crazy, and hard, and for awhile I thought about dropping out because it was so incredibly overwhelming, this huge transition that I am in the midst of. But it is good. So, so good. This makes my heart alive: this wrestling, this battle for my heart and the hearts of others.
So here I am: Seattle. No longer waiting but embracing...
Waiting... a season in life not many of us enjoy. And yet, ironically, God seems to have purposefully put seasons of waiting into our lives. If you have your learner's permit you have to wait until the glorious day of freedom when you can get your license. If you are engaged, you are then officially waiting to become married. If you are pregnant, the baby doesn't just pop out of you - you must wait for it to develop before your little person arrives. If you have tried out for something, you've got to wait and see if you have made it or not. You've planned to go somewhere, but you've got to wait until the day you leave. and on and on and on...
Weird. I'm definitely in a waiting season right now, at least for another month or so. Isn't it funny how most people who have jobs and are super busy often think, "man I wish I could just be doing nothing." Meanwhile, the unemployed are crying out for something to just do already. Hmm...
So, I do believe that there is purpose in waiting. I think that waiting can be an active verb rather than a passive one, but I am trying to figure out what that actually means/looks like. Waiting is often a time of preparation for something that is to come - but what do you do when that "something" isn't for sure yet?
Being in this season has its advantages. I've had a relatively free schedule which has allowed me to do some random things like helping out friends by babysitting and helping remodel a house. I can pretty much meet anyone at anytime for a coffee date. I've been able to take a few trips and have actually been to six states since I've been home.
But it's also been difficult, and overall I don't think that I have "waited" well. I want to though. Particularly in American culture where so much of who you supposedly are is what you are doing, it takes a lot to stand up and believe in my value during this time. I've been looking up some passages in the Bible about waiting but they all just seem kind of vague. And then the song lyrics come into my head - "strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord we will wait upon the Lord" - and I just want to punch it in the face. What does that even mean??? ay ay ay.
Anywho - those are my rambly thoughts for the evening. You're welcome, feedback is appreciated and if you are in Tucson and need some help with something please let me know.
There's an on-going debate between World Racers about what to pack for the trip. Obviously each person is different and will not pack alike.
Some people think you should bring a full-size pillow, others think that is a horrible idea. Some people will download all of the seasons of Friends or The Office and you will become best friends because of it. Some people will bring earplugs and you will regret not doing the same because your teammate snores like crazy. Some people bring really cute clothes and you will borrow them all the time until they finally put them on the "free table" for you to have.
Choosing what to/not to bring for an 11 month trip is an important decision - one that cannot be taken lightly. Ha... get it... lightly... since you have to carry your pack which is pretty heavy...
OK anyways, I had kind of forgotten I did this until going through my external hard drive. Back in Mozambique, Africa (month 6ish of our Race as we were waiting for our infamous 30+ hour flatbed truck ride), I asked each member of the iSquad an important question:
What is one thing you brought on the trip that you are really glad you did?
or
What is one thing that you really, really wish you would have brought?
Here are our answers - some more serious than others. :-) Enjoy, and good luck future Racers. Hope this helps... ??
Today is the 4 week mark of our return back to the U.S. Four weeks already? That is nuts. It's hard for me to write about, really, because it's been such a whirlwind of emotions. And in ways the past year feels like a dream.
I do remember that the strangest thing I noticed upon my return was simply the fact that everyone speaks English here and I could understand what everyone was saying. I definitely wasn't used to that. And the most overwhelmed I felt when going out somewhere was when I went to get my haircut. I walked into this salon and immediately felt out of place with everyone around me being so concerned with what they looked like. I had to tell myself to breathe, and that it would all be okay. :-) Oh and it's also strange not having to deal with exchange rates... here $10 means... $10. And unfortunately Thai food here is not 50 cents. :-/
It's been encouraging to see people. In fact, I need to keep doing more of that to be sure I am not isolating myself. Coming home is hard, and I will try to portray it realistically without being too much of a debbie downer. Life had become normal on the Race, constantly being around at least 6 other people every single day. And having a schedule more-or-less planned for each day, and eating together, and making decisions together, and all of that. Then, overnight, suddenly everyone has left... you're in a bedroom by yourself, there's air conditioning, and quiet, and you wake up and still there are none of the familiar faces you'd been around for the past 11 months for you to tackle the day with. Weird. And I get to choose what I want for lunch?? That is weird too.
Obviously most people that I see want to hear about my trip. People ask me interesting questions and I try to answer them, and most of my friends took the stance of, "you know what Cori, I feel like you'll tell me what you want to tell me so I don't just want to sit here and overwhelm you." I appreciate that. But I've noticed that I actually don't really enjoy talking about my trip as much as I thought I would. It's really kind of exhausting trying to explain it. Perhaps I feel like "what's the point of trying to explain the inexplainable?"... I really don't know what it is, but please just have patience with me. I realize I need to get over myself in a lot of ways and share this experience with people.
Each day for me now is up and down. To be honest there are days where I feel somewhat depressed, stuck within myself and very attacked, feeling like I am back to where I was a year ago trying to figure out where to go from here. I have to fight that lie a lot, and I have to remember all that God has done in me. I have to remember all of those things I wrote in the blog right before coming home, that this is where I am supposed to be, that He wants to meet me in this place. But I really, really don't know where to go from here, so would you stop and pray for me?
My mom reminds me over and over how many people were praying for me over this past year; she probably ran into many of you and you would ask about me or something. I appreciate that, so so much. And I think it would be sad if those prayers stopped, knowing that my battle is still very much alive as I try to make these next decisions.
I really appreciate all of you, and I am so blessed to have experienced all that I have. It gives me so much joy to look back over pictures and videos of the trip, assuring myself that it was not a dream. :-) And also reading back over some blogs, reading your encouraging words. Thanks for being a part of His kingdom with me. And someday I really will make a slideshow-type thing with lots of pictures, I promise.
Why hello everyone... odds are that I am finally on the same continent as you! Weird. I have already almost been home for a full week which is even weirder. More on that in a future blog, but for now please enjoy a video that my brother Warren put together, somehow summing up the past 11 months in only 8 minutes. And holler out to Warren and Jessica, former teammates of mine, who are now officially dating now that the Race is over. Oww oww!! Sorry, couldn't resist. ;)
Nothing new, really... only this one is taking me home.
I left on May 31, 2009, for this crazy adventure and tomorrow is the day to return.
Let me back up for a minute: my 2 biggest fears for this Race were - 1) losing a family member (I lost my doggie, that was sad) and 2) my return to the States. People would kind of brush off the second one, like oh it will be fine, that's so far away don't worry about it, God will show you about your future, all of that.
Well suddenly this change isn't so far away anymore, hence it is pretty dang real to me. I came to final debrief a few days ago and was told by a couple people that I looked dazed and in another world. I think too much. But it is also deeper than that, because change brings up a lot of my junk.
I moved when I was 1, and 6, and 8, and 10, and 18 (my choice), and 19 (my choice), and 23 (my choice). Change for me = pain. Confusion. Loss. Feeling misunderstood and not known. And because of all of that, my mind and heart are all too familiar with what it feels like to experience this change. It's like automatically I kind of go into shut-down mode, where I know I'm thinking too much but I don't know how to stop, and I'm afraid, and unsure, and feel stuck there.
The cool thing is that last night our squad got together and worshiped on the roof here in Thailand. It wasn't anything crazy emotional or anything, but I cried of course, knowing that I have a God that wants to meet me in this change and stand there right with me. And all of those deep, deep wounds that are still there from being somewhere then getting up and moving and missing my friends and feeling lost and alone, those are the ones that He wants to speak to.
I can't believe I'm about to leave this group of people. What am I doing when I'm home? I'm not really sure. Going to the lovely Tucson, AZ, and seeing what happens from there, just sharing my story and hopefully something will line up with my passion for Him. We've had a crazy year. A hard year, but a good one. I'm gonna miss these people more than I have any clue about right now. I just praise God that He is bigger than my pain and my fear, that He has changed me this year, that nothing is impossible for Him, that He has a good plan for me, and that I get Chipotle soon soon soon!!!
Thank you, supporters and blog followers, for all of your love and prayers this year. As of right now I am about $600 short of my fundraising goal, so if you are interested in helping with that just click the link on the left. But seriously, seriously thank you, I can't wait to see some of you oh so soon!!!!
Each night at the bars is so different. Some nights it seems that every woman we talk to doesn't like working there and is interested in a way out, and other nights it's exactly the opposite.
We have seen the women that we talk with light up when we spend time with them and then go back and see them the next night. We have also seen the women we have friendships with leave the bar to be with a client for the night. We have had women pull out pictures of their kids when we ask about their families. We have seen the faces of countless women as they dance on the bar, noticing that they are even bored with the life they are living. We have called our friends the day after we meet them to invite them to lunch, only to have them tell us that they have been bought for the week. We have spoken with numerous people who stand on the street promoting a particular bar, and their response to what we are doing is that it is, "really great."
It is crazy that God has given us this responsibility to go into these bars, where darkness and emptiness and hopelessness are so evident. Some nights I have felt so affected by what I see down there, wanting to punch some people because of how they treat these women. Other nights I feel like I have been supernaturally sheltered from what is really happening.
Last night I went into Bangla Road feeling really ready for this battle, more ready than I had felt before. I wasn't intimidated or unsure of myself. I just knew that each and every person in those bars needed to know they were worth something more.
So that is what I did. During each conversation that I had, I told each woman that she is worth more than what people pay for her. Most of the time they didn't understand what I meant, and when I would talk about money they would say, "oh yes yes! Money!" But I would say it again and again, that their hearts are worth more than money. I even talked to a cute woman on the street who was trying to get people to come see the free "ping pong show" that she is worth more than this, and her life has so more value than standing on the street.
As for Sa (see previous blog), she has still come to SHE occasionally and even brought some friends from her bar to English class. Hopefully she will still leave the bar scene completely and come work for SHE. We also still visit Puyn regularly, and as of tonight she just told Kelly that she will also leave the bars in two weeks!!
Sa is on the left
I will always remember our time in Thailand and this unique opportunity to speak with these women. Many of them will share their story - their whole story - with you if you ask them only a few questions. It has been a struggle this month to go down their without judgment (especially toward the men), but what has been such a blessing is being able to bring these women a message of hope. It has helped me walk more confidently myself, knowing that I have a Savior who always pursues me regardless of the crap I can find myself in. And if I am to go down there and tell others that they are worth more, I must believe the same for myself as well... that I am chosen, loved, and pursued beyond comprehension.
Below is a video from one of the girls from the August squad who is here with us. It does contain some graphic content, but is worth the watch.
We had been at the bar for about 20 minutes. I was sitting down with a Coke playing Connect 4 with a girl who works there. Kelly Kramp and Amanda were next to me playing with a woman as well.
I could sense pretty easily that the girl I spoke with wasn't interested in much except the men walking by. She didn't engage in conversation at all. But something about the girl that Kelly and Amanda were with struck me. She looked so young, so innocent. She seemed so happy to be playing this game with them.
I leaned over and asked Kelly if she had asked their friend, Poyn, if she liked her job at the bar. She said that she hadn't, so then she asked her.
Her answer was, "no." She's only 22 and had been working there for only 2 weeks. She's from northern Thailand and came down here to provide money back to her family.
We asked her to come to lunch the next day at SHE to hear more about an alternative salary that she could earn making jewelry, baking cookies, and eventually to learn about the hotel industry. She said that she would love to come, so she gave us her number.
We called the next day but she was unable to come. I was discouraged because I really felt like she wanted a different life. We called this morning and she came to lunch this afternoon, along with another girl named Sa that Amanda and I met last night at a different bar.
Both of these women are interested in changing their life. Sa said she would like to work at SHE, but not until the end of the month so she can send her family another amount of money first. Poyn said she would like to think about it for a few days. Please pray for Poyn and Sa, that they would not lose interest and that we can continue to form friendships with them.
And pray for the women here in Phuket who work on Bangla Road. There are over 200 bars on this tiny street, filled with men and women longing to be loved. Each afternoon we go and prayer walk over the bars and then leave again around 9pm to go and speak to the women. Seeing the difference of this road in the daytime versus the nighttime is mind-boggling. Looking at the women who are up there, dancing on the bar or with a man who has hired her, you can see the emptiness.
But are we bold enough to approach them? Are they courageous enough to admit they want to change?
